Perspective

I've been struggling with feeling like I just can't keep up- let alone get ahead.  I know this is a typical phase when you've got an infant in the house...or if you are a caregiver for a person who requires total care 24/7...or if you are a mom with young children...or you're living on a really tight budget...or you're raising a child with autism........Considering the fact that I am in each of those situations, I really should't be surprised that I feel like I'm spinning my wheels.  And I'm not surprised.  But there are times it really starts getting you down.

I've pared down my life to the bare essentials so I don't drive myself nuts by taking on more than I can chew.   My goals are simple:  feed everyone, even if it's cereal for dinner again.  Dress everyone in clean clothes, even if they are wrinkled and fished from the bottom of the clean laundry pile in the living room.  Keep everyone's medications on schedule and delivered to the right child- let's just say that some evenings I've been glad that Naomi doesn't have a g-tube because I will walk up to her with Nate's antibiotic and wonder why I can't find the g-tube port...oi vey.  Bathe the children everyday?  Working on it.  Brush teeth and pray twice daily...um, getting better.  I try my very best to give myself grace on the days where I just can't get to it all.  I've gotten a lot better about handling mishaps without losing my temper.  I know I'm getting better with time.   After all, I get all the dishes done by the end of  the day at least TWICE a week now!  Huge improvement from when I started on that goal...18 months ago...  Sigh.

Last Tuesday I tried my very best- and it still just barely fell short.  I tried to keep calm, keep things in perspective, and apply the Lord's grace liberally.  As a result, I was blessed with - not a miracle - but a much needed dose of perspective.

Nate had two appointments in Kansas City, starting at 10 am, so the plan was to drop off Hyrum and Hannah at school by 7:45 as usual and head straight over.  Well, it didn't happen.  Rusty dropped them off and by the time Nate, Naomi and I were ready it was 8:20.  Ooops.  Oh well- it was an appointment with a particular clinic that is remarkably flexible- worst case scenario, we would have to re-arrange for the afternoon.  Keep going, stay calm- it's not the end of the world.  Sure enough, we got to the hospital at 10:10...and the parking garage is overflowing.  When you've got a side-entry wheelchair van, it's really hard to find a parking spot that will work.  Especially at a hospital.  Finally found one, entered the hospital at 10:40 (it takes about 15 minutes to unload my kids and myself).  Get to the security check-in, and realize that I left my ID in the van.  Keep going, stay calm, it's not the end of the world.  Go back to the van, get my ID.  Arrive at clinic almost one hour late.  Fortunately, they let us keep the appointment (we were just picking up and fitting Nate's ankle braces).  Afterward, head to the next appointment, which hadn't been exactly scheduled since Nate just needed a shot.  This was in the clinic about 1/2 mile away.  I decided to try out their parking garage rather than park outside as usual because two weeks ago the construction had been a huge hassle to navigate.  Well, let's just say I wandered around the parking garage for a good 15 minutes looking for the elevator, to the great amusement of about seven perfect strangers.  I forcibly laughed it off when I realized that the word ELEVATOR in two-foot high letters was referring to the door directly beneath it rather than around the corner- oh, embarrassing.  Anyway, we got inside, fed Naomi, got the shot, changed diapers, used the bathroom (waaaay overdue), left for Topeka to pick up our food order at Sam's Club.  Pick it up, but bought the wrong diapers for a friend, ooops.  Oh well, not a big deal, let it go.  Go outside, load up the stuff, notice that I barely have enough time to drive home before the kids are done with school- and Naomi wants food.  NOW.  So I climb in the back of the van and pray she will eat faster than usual.  As she is eating, I'm focusing on not worrying about what happens if I don't pick up the kids on time.  Keep calm, things always work out.

I look around the parking lot and notice a van with wheelchair plates stopped in the traffic lane, waiting for a particular handicapped spot to open up.  I understand that- maybe only 1 in 5 handicapped spots are actually compatible with our van.  An 11 year old boy jumps out and runs to the store, and comes back driving (with lots of gusto) one of the motorized carts.  He plays around with it and keeps looking to the van for directions on where to drive it.  They park and he parks alongside the driver's door.  Then he goes and gets a regular shopping cart.  His 9 year old sister climbs out of the van, followed by a 4 year old brother.  She grabs his hand and guides him directly to the cart, and he climbs up to one of the seats.  The older boy opens a door and pulls out a 10 month old baby and sets her next to her brother in the other seat.  The older girl and boy then stand by as mom carefully pulls herself out of the drivers seat and transfers into the motorized cart.  She tosses her artificial leg in her cart and they all head into the store- the older siblings pushing the younger ones in the cart.

Dang.  I was impressed.  And humbled.  I was impressed that each child had their part down pat- and they did it!!  I was impressed that no one was losing their cool.  I was impressed that they had faced the next-to-impossible task of shopping with these challenges- and found a solution that works.  I was humbled because although my family is just as much of a "semi-controlled circus" when we go shopping, at least I'm still able to walk.  I imagined how many times this mom had faced the dreaded shopping trip where it didn't go smoothly- baby is bawling, toddler tips over the cart while climbing up, older siblings get distracted and don't do their part.  They had probably had dozens of shopping trips where it all just didn't come together.  Yet they persevered- and at least, this once- it all came together.  And I was privileged to witness it.  And I was so grateful that I'd tried so hard, all day, to keep my cool when things didn't quite work.  If I had been mad or stressed, I never would have gotten the good out of that scene.  I would have just focused on all that was bad.  But since I hadn't let my attitude turn sour and drive away the Spirit, I came away from that parking lot with the insight and comfort I needed to keep on trying.

Today Rusty was teaching the Sunday School lesson.  He was sharing a lot of Idaho history about when members of the church were sent up to the Idaho Falls/Rexburg area to establish settlements.  He talked about how the growing season was so short, they were just not succeeding.  They would try, year after year, to get in enough harvest to live, but it was not working.  Several years later, they had tried and tried again, and hadn't quite given up, but they were still in very dire circumstances.  Wilford Woodruff had come to visit and they only had a wagon box to serve as a pulpit for an outdoor meeting.  He delivered his "wagon box" address and was inspired to tell these people that although things looked bleak, they would eventually succeed.  The climate would become temperate for crops.  Fields would fill the valley.  Fine homes, church buildings and even schools of higher education would dot the landscape.  Temples would be built.   For people who were worn out just getting enough to grow to keep themselves alive, it was a hard concept to grasp.  But they kept at it.  Generations later, I came to that area to get my education at that university.  I drove through that valley full of thriving farms.  I saw the homes and churches.  And just a couple years after I moved away, the second temple was built.  Their persistence paid off- so gradually they couldn't see it, but it did.

I thought about a blessing I had received several years ago, promising that specific great blessings would come about in the lives of my loved ones within my lifetime.  At the time it seemed unlikely.  Recently, things have gotten even worse.  I have no idea how it is possible for the Lord to come through on that promise.  But I feel that I can still trust in that promise.  I'll do my part, meager as it is, and I know that I cannot bring this about on my own.  Not by a long shot.  But if I keep my life in order  so that I can bring down blessings on my family through my own righteousness, it will help.  If I live so I can act on a prompting from the Holy Ghost that might help, I'll be ready.  And something, somehow, gradually, will come together in such a way that one day I will see the plan the Lord had been putting together in the background all this time.  I will wait and trust and just do my best, day by day, just like those pioneers did.  That's all that is asked of me.  It is enough.